I am not enough. And I am done trying to be.
There. I said it. I confessed. I am done trying to be enough.
And here is why:
I woke up the other day, checked my phone, and stared at the email in utter disbelief. My submission had been accepted. I had spent the whole night before thinking I was surely going to be rejected. I tried so hard not to worry, and yet those thoughts kept running through my head.
I’m sure you know the ones. The thoughts of self-doubt that inevitably arise when we take a chance and put ourselves out there:
- “I am no good at this.”
- “I should have done things differently.”
- “Why did I think I could do this? There are so many people out there who could do this better.”
Finally, I said ENOUGH. I declared that if it was God’s will then it would happen. If it was not His will then it wouldn’t. And I forced myself to not check my email for the rest of the night.
Then I woke up to that glorious acceptance email.
I sighed in relief, smiled with joy, and my heart started singing praises to God. In the dark, I felt Him whisper, “What if the answer had been different? What if it had been a rejection?”
And I immediately thought, “Tears. The difference would have been tears. I would be praising you just the same. The difference would be in that I would be praising You through my tears.”
If my piece had been rejected, I would have broken down in tears of sorrow and pain. But my resolve would not have changed. I still would keep trying. I still would work hard at getting better. I still would worship Him. I would simply trust that this was not His plan and wait for the something better that He had for me.
Now, before you start to think I am super righteous, I want you to know that I have not always reacted this way. I have reacted in anger. I have screamed at God. I have choked on the words “faithful” in songs we sang at church because I did not believe that He had been faithful to me.
I have not always responded in faith.
But God has been patient with me. He has spent years teaching me to trust Him. But believe me when I say, I am still very much a work in progress. It is very difficult for me to trust Him when His answer is “no.” Even more so when the answer is that dreaded “wait.”
But this time the answer was “yes”, and I was elated. But that euphoria quickly faded when I found myself thinking about all the people that would read my words now with this new opportunity.
I immediately felt entirely inadequate and overwhelmed by the responsibility. But God brought to my mind a scene from one of my kid’s favorite movies. It is in the second of the Chronicles of Narnia series and is titled “Prince Caspian.” The scene I thought of is towards the end of the movie, when they have won the battle and are now approaching Aslan, the lion of Narnia who symbolizes Jesus Christ. Aslan eludes to the fact that Prince Caspian is now a King of Narnia.
In response, Caspian says, “I do not think I am ready.”
And Aslan concludes, “It is for that very reason I know you are.”Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian
You see, God is not looking for people who think they know it all or can do it all.
He is looking for those who know they don’t know a lot and have much to learn. He is looking for those who will admit that they are broken messes who can’t even begin to do it all. He is looking for those who are willing to say, I cannot do this on my own.
I need You, Lord, to help me.
If we believe that we are ready and can do it on our own, we are wrong. We are not ready to do what God has asked us to do. We are not enough to be what He has called us to be. We are not good enough mothers, parents, wives, sisters, followers of Christ, etc. We can’t do it on our own. We must lean on Him. Follow Him. Let Him be in control. Trust that He is our source of strength. Our guidance. Our light. Our path. That He alone knows the plans He has for our life. And that He alone is the one that will get us ready to do whatever it is that He has called us to do.
As children of the King, we need to remember that we are enough as we are for Him.
But we are not enough for the tasks He has called us to.
We need Him.
And when God sees a heart that says, “I do not think I am ready. But I will follow you, Lord, wherever you lead me, trusting that You will guide me and equip me for the work You have for me to do.”
That is when he smiles and says, “It is for that very reason, my sweet child, that I know you are ready. Let’s go. Just follow my lead.”
I am not enough. I am done trying to be. And that is okay.
Because I know the One who is more than enough.
Is God asking you to stop trying to do it all in your own strength? Is He asking you to let go and trust Him? There is immense freedom in realizing you are not enough for the task at hand, but you serve a God who is. Let go and let Him take over. I would love to hear your thoughts!
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